It's been a year...

It's been a year. Over a year since I picked up a Book of Mormon for the very first time, over a year since I spoke to my first Sister Missionaries, almost a year since I stepped in the Baptismal font. 

It's been a year and I have only now realised that I never told you how it happened, most people know... in fact it's sort of a famous story in our little circle, but you, my little blog family don't know anything at all. 

Let's backtrack to 19:12 Friday 13th February 2015.
 I was 22 and like all 22year olds I turned to social media to vent my frustration, expecting no reply at all and simply wishing to get my #1stworldproblem out there into the ether. The problem was that for some completely unknown reason I had bought a Young Adult Vampire book on my Kobo e-reader, which is odd because I actively avoid Vampire stories in general as it's just not my genre, however I became hooked on this story and was annoyed that the sequel wasn't for sale on the platform but the 3rd book was. Except, I did get a reply, the author promptly apologised and offered me an audiobook copy of the 2nd book which had just been released. 

Datestamp on these screenshots are in EST as that's where I currently am, it was actually 7pm GMT
I'd never listened to an audiobook before as an adult so I was dubious that it would work for me, my chronic illnesses were flaring pretty badly at the time though so while I couldn't sleep I began to listen. I was absorbed into this magical world by a soothing British voice, which it turns out isn't British at all...but that's another story.
By March the author, Cheri, and I had been messaging on twitter about all sorts of things almost daily so we decided to move our chats to Facebook where the messages weren't as restricted in size. 

Fast forward a little to 01:25 Thursday 23rd July 2015.
We'd now been talking pretty much daily with topics ranging from book tastes and food preferences to personal trauma and the state of the world. We had much more in common than two people from different countries, of different ages and in different circumstances would be expected to have, certainly more than I expected us to have. I didn't send that tweet out in the world expecting to gain a best friend, a sister, a family. At some point Cheri's religion must have been mentioned but the subject had been changed to me telling her about a scene in one of her books that I had read that day on the journey to work which resulted in me trying so hard not to laugh aloud that I cried. My curiosity peaked though so I was brave, or nosy (you decide), and asked her what exactly her religion was. I had an inkling but one can never make assumptions these days, it turns out that my inkling was correct and we began discussing The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints or as it's more commonly know The Mormon Church. 

Date stamp on these screenshots show EST as that's where I currently am but it was actually 1am GMT
I has actually studied the restoration of the church as part of my GCSE History Settling of The American West topic (I know I said Alevel in the messages, I made a mistake. Also forgive my spelling mistakes, I was on a lot of strong painkillers.) So I knew a little of their beliefs and we were able to jump into conversation about the differences between what I had learnt and the truth. Months then passed with us continuing our usual chatter about anything and everything, becoming closer friends with Cheri unknowingly being that shining light of influence Mormon's know so well.

01:25 Friday 16th October 2015
I downloaded the Gospel Library app and began reading The Book of Mormon for the very first time. I skipped the introduction and dove straight in 1Nephi and his goodly parents. I also ordered a paper copy online to be delivered to me, which didn't arrive before I moved house. I'm told most people read first and then pray to know the truth, to my mind it made much more sense to pray before I read and to ask for a sign that would tell me if what I was reading was true. I already had a personal relationship with God, I trusted Him to show me whether or not this was the right path for me but I'll admit to opening the first page fully expecting to object to everything inside. I didn't believe it was true, in fact I almost wanted to believe it wasn't true which is an entirely different kettle of fish.

By 02:40 I was annoyed with Laman and Lemuel, asking Cheri odd questions about sacrificing animals and trying to process why on earth my heart was so happy. 

Again the time stamp on these screenshots is EST, it was around 2am GMT
Have you ever reread a story you used to love as a child? You can remember it a little and it makes you feel so safe and loved, but it's been so long that it's still a new story to you. You have to learn it all over again while it's still familiar to you. That's how I felt. There was no denying it, I knew that The Book of Mormon was true, in my mind it didn't much matter what else the church practised because as long as I was following this book I couldn't go wrong. 
Later Cheri tried to find the missionaries in my area, but they proved impossible to find. We had both tried to contact the local branch and had only drawn blanks there too, so she kindly offered her own Sister Missionaries via Facebook. Sister Bre Palmer and Sister Kaylie O'Donnal began answering my questions in videos and messages, they taught me the basic lessons and are still there when I need some missionary support at 2am.

14:00 Monday 9th November 2015
I moved into my new house where a Book of Mormon in hot pink bubble wrap was waiting for me, Cheri had managed to find a Stake service project on Facebook who had put her in contact with someone who had then contacted the Bishop for that ward. The Bishop had then contacted the Missionaries and within 2 days they were knocking on my front door, that first meeting was a little crazy. I had already come so far without them that they were thrown off their usual schedule, yet they came prepared with a Baptism date in mind just a few weeks away.

13:30 Sunday 13th December 2015
My baptism. The girl who was terrified of water; who had only met missionaries face to face a few weeks ago; who was joining a church her family couldn't even spell; who had daily nightmares about drowning in the font; who the adversary had done a great job at hurting recently; was baptised. The weeks running up to my baptism were so of the most difficult times of my life, secrets erupted that shook my world and my heart was broken more than once. The adversary saw where my flaws were, and he dug in deep.
Cheri was able to fly in a few days before hand to be there for my baptism and my husband Kane was home on leave from the Royal Navy too, the Elders were able to video call the Sister Missionaries and Cheri's family in America so everyone I needed was right there. 

It was actually around 1pm GMT, again the time stamp is showing EST.
It's been a year. Since then a lot has happened, I've met those wonderful Sister Missionaries a few times and was even baptised by proxy for my late mother with Sister Palmer, Sister O'Donnal and their current companions present. Of course, Cheri was by my side that time too, in fact I'm sat in her living room right now laughing at Studio C skits on Youtube. I've given a few talks in sacrament, performed baptisms for the dead and had many spiritual experiences. I was called to be Young Women's secretary which is a calling I absolutely love and have a wonderful ward family in Hamble River. Those of you outside of the church might not see the significance of the end of the first year, so just trust me that it's important and I can't wait. 

It's been a year. Almost two years since I met the silly fish who would become my best friend; over a year since my heart was reminded of a truth it once knew; nearly a year since I made my very first true covenant with Heavenly Father

...and what a year it's been.

- It's been a year since I first wrote this. I am no longer called to YWs, it was a wonderful first calling and I'll forever be grateful for the lessons those young ladies taught me. I got home from Cheri's house a month ago, whilst staying with her I took my endowments for the first time, completed all of the Temple Work available for my mother and great grandmother along with countless trips for non-family names. The sister missionaries who intially taught me came through the Temple with me for my own endowment too, it seemed fitting to have them there and they were over the moon. I'm still thankful, everyday, for the way things happened 3 years ago. 

From Scatch

I used to spend a lot of time, money and effort making sauces from scratch, now I use jars or packets and pimp them up with extra herbs or by using them in different ways. If you’re cooking for more than 2 then homemade sauce can definitely be cheaper and it’s also quite a bit healthier than the jarred variety with all of it’s added sugars and salt. Except when making a sauce from scratch takes all of the energy you had for cooking and leaves you reaching for the easy junk food...then it’s no healthier at all. That’s the reason I buy either ready made sauces or the ‘just add milk’ sort of powders, I don’t have the energy to make a sauce completely from scratch as well as making a somewhat healthy meal. The energy I save by using shortcut sauces I then use to chop veggies and to me that’s a worthwhile trade-off, so you’ll find most of the recipes I post will use them but always feel free to trade in home-made sauce if you prefer.

Garlic oil is practically a staple in my kitchen, right up there with bacon and bread. Every few weeks or so my small mason style jar will run empty and I’ll simply chop two or three cloves in half and bung them in before topping off with regular cooking oil, you could be fancy and use olive oil I guess but I’ve found vegetable or sunflower oil to be the most versatile. Subbing garlic oil for the usual oil when cooking up practically any meat or vegetable instantly makes it so much better and is a simple way to add some extra flavour. The same thing can be done with all kinds of flavoured oil, I just love garlic.

Vegetables can be expensive, hard to prep and when it’s only for one or two people they most often go off before you use them all. Frozen veg, especially the steam bags are one of my favourite things. Frozen veg can often have more nutrients than the fresh we buy in supermarkets which is already a few days old as most is frozen within a few hours of being picked. It comes in all different kinds of mixes as well as separate vegetables, perfect to store up in the freezer to add quick nutrients to any meal. They’re always fairly cheap, you do have to weigh cost against quality in some brands but I stick to mid range supermarket own products and find they usually come up at a good value. Again, you’ll see them pop up in most of my recipes.

Similarly frozen rice is a great invention, kudos to the person who figured that out. Rice is fairly easy to cook, it’s cheap and healthy so I do still buy uncooked rice but, sometimes even that’s too much effort. Frozen rice often comes mixed with veg and already seasoned so it can be a quick and easy way to bulk out a meal without relying on unhealthier staples like chips or bread. Can you tell that I love my freezer? I truly believe a freezer, a mixer and a good frying pan are a low-energy-kitchen's best friend.

Basically, what I'm trying to say here is that I'm aware that not all of choices are the healthiest and often not always the cheapest either but, there are a few factors I have to consider. Some of which are maybe outside of what you consider when shopping:
- Value, is this worth the money I'm paying for it?
- Storage, will it last for very long or do I need to eat it soon? My appetite can disappear at a moments notice so perishables can often...perish, before I get to them. Avocado's are my love and eternal pain, it's so hard to time them to be ripe the same time I have an appetite for them.
- Allergies and intolerances, can I eat this without too many undesirable consequences? Some foods I can eat small amounts of without much of a problem whereas others will have be in trouble after just one bite.
- Energy, how hard is this to prep? Does it need to cook for a long time and require forethought? I often forget to eat until really late so things that need to cook for a few hours don't always work or else I'm really hungry right at the moment so I don't want to wait around too long for a meal before I reach for junk.
- Location, can I buy this in my normal supermarket? If not, how far away is the store, is it worth it?
- Versatility, can I only cook one type of meal with this? If I don't fancy that meal, can I change it to work with something else?
- Health, does it provide me with at least some form of nutrients? Can I add staple vegetables (carrots, sweetcorn and broccoli for me) or would only certain vegetables work?
- Leftovers, can it be eaten another day? Would it freeze well? Again when my appetite changes I often have leftovers, plus coking for one nearly always means leftovers.

What do you have to consider when looking at recipes?

A rock and a harder rock

Let me start by saying that I understand that I'm incredibly privileged to even be able to consider this, but I also want to make it clear that it's not an easy thing to do either. 

I'm coming off my pain medication, the big neurological ones that are supposed to keep me ticking over. That is beyond scary, but I feel like I have no real choice here, my options are limited and right now this is the best one. The medication is a popular one for Fibromyalgia in the UK, it's also supposed to help with the pain from some of my other conditions, but comes with a stack of long term interactions, scary side effects and general bad news - for some people that's the best option they have, that's fine for them too. However, for me, it's something I just don't want anymore because I've been on and off this med for around 5 years now and I'm still waiting for it to really work...it takes my daily base pain down to a bearable level though it by no means makes me pain free.

There was a study recently published about how this drug can hinder the creation of brain synapses, for most people that's not a huge deal because the brain doesn't create many as an adult in normal circumstances. Except that I was 19, so my brain was still happily making new connections and should have been continuing to do so for a few years, when I was first prescribed ever increasing doses of this medication, who knows what damage was done? I'm haunted now with thoughts of what I could have been, it's possible that it wouldn't change anything if I hadn't taken it but I'll probably never know.

I don't want to bore you with a long list of reasons that I'm making this choice, what I wanted to focus on was the empowering part of this choice. This is my choice, my pain levels will go up, I'll have to rely on other pain relief methods and there will be some other things to deal with along the way but the benefits outweigh the negatives right now and I am making this decision for myself. Oh, and I also want to ask you all to just bear with me while I get used to this change. 

Can you imagine having to decide between two poor options? One path will mean you can live a little more of a normal life for a while but it is damaging your body, whereas the other means you have to sit out on life a little more but damage your body less. Both will affect your quality of life negatively: one gives you crippling migraines that last for days with little rest in between, the other will make your daily pain 5-6/10. Both will affect your quality of life positively: the left path allows you to be a little more active, the right let's you have a clearer/less drowsy mind. It's like choosing between your heart and your head, you win and lose no matter which way you go. Many, many people will give me their opinions, not all of them supportive, but at the end of the day when I'm in curled up in bed with a snoring puppy and the heating clicks on I need to be able to think of my decision with some vague feeling of content...and they won't be there for that. That's on me, as it will be when the med is fully out of my system and the inevitable flare kicks up. Will I still think I made the right decision then? Who knows, but for right now I am satisfied.

- Because somebody will ask - No, the other medications recommended are not an option for me unless you know some secret ones that I don't. I didn't make this decision without doing my research first, I've also spent the past 6 years trying all sorts of medication cocktails. 
- Also, I'm not off all my meds, just this one and I have done the proper withdrawing procedure. Do not change your medication without consulting your Dr first.

A year of fear not - wrap up 1

So it's Monday (day 20), it was a slow start so I've only now got around to writing an end of week wrap up with the selfish purpose of reaffirming and reminding myself of what I should have taken in this week.
Day 11 - Exodus 14:13, 
This is...difficult, the principle for the day was to stand firm and wait for victory when surrounded by trouble. I'm not good at standing still, both literally and figuratively actually, and it's still hard to remember that God is on my side...that I'm not fighting alone. How weird is that? He's always been there, that hasn't changed but I'm also used to being self-reliant so when trouble comes knocking I look to myself to fix it, I guess it's not that I forget exactly - more that I just don't think about there being other options than fighting alone. A lesson I need to learn.
Day 12 - Exodus 20:20, 
I'm thankful for the other group members that day, I've never like the idea of 'God-fearing' because I always thought of it as being afraid of the Lord and that just doesn't sit well with me. However, the other members helped me see that maybe the word 'fear' in this sense doesn't mean 'to be scared, afraid' but could instead mean 'in awe of, respect' and that the proving part doesn't necessarily meant that God is testing your worth as such. This whole verse could really be telling us that we don't need to fear trials or challenges because we have the awesome power of the Lord on our side and if we respect that power we can make it through just fine.
Day 13 - Num 21:34, 
I'm not going to bluff you, this verse didn't speak to me at all and that's okay. There may not be a message for my situation right now, I may not be open to it or maybe it's just not for me...any of those are a-okay.
Day 14 - Deuteronomy 4:21,
Fear stops you from getting what you deserve. 
(I'm holding back further thoughts on this for now, maybe I'll tell you them someday)
Day 15 - Deuteronomy 3:2,
Fear comes from all over, from different places and situations, caused by different people and words, all are valid and all are conquerable. And each victory builds you, gives you another layer of armour to help you battle on so it's okay to start small. In fact, start tiny, start with the smallest fear you can think of and then keep building your armour with each victory.
Day 16 - Deuteronomy 3:22,
There is no fear when God takes control. 
There is no fear when God takes control.
There is no fear when God takes control.
Do you know what that requires? Allowing God to take control. Note to self - Allow God to take control.
Day 17 - Deut 20:3,
Hearts are fickle things, full of softness and passion. Now, that's not a bad thing at all, it's actually great and just how things should be but, sometimes it means that hearts tremble and quiver. They're not quite up to the job of guiding us all by their squishy-selves, and lucky for us they don't need to. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that hearts and strongest when they're full of love, we know how much more we can face when we have a loving partner beside us, how much more courageous we feel with our parents hand in ours. So imagine how strong our hearts can be with the love of our Heavenly Father?
Day 18 - Deut 31:6
This was my favourite of the week, not just because Google has an awesome selection of cute graphics for this verse though that is a factor, because of the message that smacks me in the face everytime I see it. Maybe that's not quite the right phrase, it's much more like a warm cuddle or a chocolate biscuit that's been perfectly dunked in milk. 
God will never abandon you. Not when you're weak, not when you're abandoning him, not when you're afraid, or prideful, or angry or desperate. 

Want to join us? -
https://www.facebook.com/groups/726418587508507/

Stop holding on and just be held.

Listen to this song for, just for 3minutes and 42 seconds stop what you're doing, listen and watch the video.

Ready? Okay, this song has been a favourite for a little while and sits firmly at the top of my Sunday morning playlist, but today in the middle of stake conference the chorus was playing loud and clear in my mind. It was as if someone was literally playing the music as a backing track to the talk that was being given. Now lately I've not been very good at listening and acting upon promptings but this time I'm determined to act upon this very clear message. I've been doing too much holding on, so much of my life is beyond my control so I have a tendency to grasp whatever I can control with both hands, that's not necessarily a bad trait and is an integral part of my personality. Anyone who knows me will completely agree that I am stubborn and controlling, sorry everyone. 
The problem comes when I take over the wheel. One of the speakers today told a story of a man he once knew called Mike, Mike was a long haul truck driver in America who drove back and forth across the country with a Book of Mormon in his pocket spreading the Gospel at every truck stop along the way. One day he was driving his truck in winter conditions, but he was an experienced driver so all should have been fine, business as usual. The truck hit black ice, there was nothing Mike could have done, and the truck immediately jack-knifed and began to skid at speed covering every lane of the road. It was a nightmarish situation, anyone coming down the road was also in danger and the chances of Mike surviving were slim, it was a truck drivers worst nightmare. Mike struggled to turn into the skid, he just couldn't get the truck to straighten out. He gave a quick, short but passionate prayer 'Heavenly Father, help me', a small voice told Mike to let go of the wheel. He couldn't, so again the voice told him ' trust me, let go of the wheel' yet Mike still couldn't fight his instincts to grip that wheel, again the voice said 'Mike, I love you, trust me and let go'. So he did, he dropped his hands to his sides and the truck straightened out. 
How many of us are gripping that steering wheel, refusing to let go because letting go is terrifying? I definitely am.
Later Mike was able to pull over and again prayed, so grateful of what had happened and again he was answered in that still, small voice. He was told that this arrangement wasn't working out, his Heavenly Father was not happy with being Mike's passenger, He wanted to be in the drivers seat to teach and show Mike how to become more like the Saviour. 
If we were spoken to that way, would we be able to let go? Could you move to the side and let the Lord lead your life? The thing is, we may not have been asked in the same way Mike was but I can almost guarantee that we have been asked. It was during this talk that the chorus of this song played in my mind:
'So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held'
It's at our lowest, when our trucks are skidding and our worlds are falling apart that we turn to Him for help, yet do we let ourselves be held? Do we stubbornly try to fit it in our our terms, in our way? Well it doesn't always have to be that way, we shouldn't try to control the way our Father in Heaven helps us, the atonement isn't on our terms after all. He didn't sacrifice his only begotten son for us to then try to make it fit our agenda, I'm sorry if that's news to you, that's not the way life works. It isn't our eternal plan, it's His and I especially could do with remembering that sometimes.
So I pledge to let go a little, to follow the promptings wherever they lead because I have faith that they will never lead me astray, I might not always get it right and I'm sure I will falter when those promptings come up against my awkward, stubborn, British personality but that doesn't give me any excuse to not try. Can you try?
'So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held' 
-Casting Crowns, Just be held. 
Video from YouTube (castingcrownsofficial)

Portabella chicken

Portabella chicken ... sort of, because I didn't use portabella mushrooms...

This is a new favourite I discovered this week and of course tweaked to take less energy!
Effort - 1/2 Cost ££ (purely because chicken breast can be pricey, however I estimate that this cost me around £4)

Ingredients for 2 people
2 chicken breasts
Two handfuls of sliced mushrooms, I used 3 large chestnut mushrooms because that's what I had in the fridge. 
1/3 - 1/2 Tin of cream of chicken soup
Salt and pepper - dried mixed herbs if you're feeling fancy
Tender stem broccoli - I used 5 stems.
1/4 courgette
1 Sweet potato - it doesn't need to be peeled but it's a personal preference.
Garlic oil

-To make this with even less energy you could serve the chicken on salad, with rice or something like mashed potato.

- Place the chicken breast into a Slow Cooker, cover with the sliced mushrooms then spoon over the soup. I used between 1/3 and 1/2 of a tin, you want the chicken to be covered but that's all.  Add a sprinkle of salt and pepper. 
- Cook on Low for 6 hours, High for 4 hours. It doesn't need stirring or anything like that, just keep the lid on.
- When there is 30 minutes to peel (if you want to) and cut the Sweet Potato into small chunks, about 1.5cms if you're being technical. Slice the courgette into thin strips a few millimetres thick.
- Chuck them in a bowl with a small glug of oil, a sprinkle of salt and a shake of the mixed herbs. Give the bowl a shake to get them coated then spread them out on a baking sheet. Pop in the oven for 20-25 minutes at 180`c. 
- When there are five minutes left on the clock take the chicken out of the pot and wrap in foil, throw the broccoli into the juices and turn the slow cooker to high with the lid on. 
- You're done! Serve up, cover in the sauce and enjoy!

Christ and the second law of thermodynamics

Have I lost you already? I promise this won't be as boring and tough as it sounds.
This was inspired by a talk given in a family presentation during sacrament meeting this morning so a big thank you to Brother Lomax. 
The second law of thermodynamics is sometimes referred to as Entropy, it's something you'll know about even if you can't name it. Think of an old abandoned house, nobody lives there and nobody causes it any harm yet it still crumbles and falls apart. Think of cheese that you left in the fridge before you went on holiday, no one has done anything to it yet its mouldy and rotten when you get home. So, that force, that strange thing that slowly and inevitably wears everything down is entropy, it destroys thing purely through time. Google (via the Boston University physics department) defines the second law of thermodynamics and entropy as 'The second law of thermodynamics can be stated in terms of entropy. If a reversible process occurs, there is no net change in entropy. In an irreversible process, entropy always increases, so the change in entropy is positive.'
Are you still with me? I know this doesn't make much sense in terms of the Gospel but I promise we're getting there. So let's take the first part of that explanation 'if a reversible process occurs, there is no net change in entropy' from this we can boil it down to mean that the only way for entropy to not increase is for there to be a reversible process. In the Gospel we have that reversible process, we have the healing power of the atonement. Mosiah 3:19 tells us that the natural man is an enemy of God, that we can't cast it off until we become a saint through the atonement. Now, if entropy is a natural process of the universe then it is also part of the natural man, simply put it's why we age, therefore entropy is an enemy of God. We know that the last thing Heavenly Father wants for us to waste away, to succumb to the natural man and allow ourselves to be worn down in earthly matters. Christ's atonement was to allow us to become more, to become greater than the natural man, this is our reversible process. What greater way to reverse the wearing down effects of the mortal life than to submit to your Heavenly Father and allow yourself a second chance. We will not waste away with this planet, the earth is dying - I think we all on some level agree with that. When we see starlight, what we're actually seeing is millennia old light from a dying star, do we wish to fade out completely and be forgotten like an old light bulb or do we wish for our mortal life to be like that of a star? Burning brightly for a short amount of time, driven slowly by that inevitable force of entropy that counts down our time here, only then to again burn brightly even after we die? 
Let's look at that second part from a gospel perspective, 'In an irreversible process, entropy always increases, so the change in entropy is positive' if entropy is a force bearing down on us, encouraging us to waste away our time here, to slowly just crumble like an old wall then in gospel terms, are we not looking at the adversary? An adversary who desperately wants to be an irreversible process, always increasing? 
Yet this doesn't have to be the way. We don't have to give in to this spiritual entropy, this wasting away of our souls. We have the beautiful healing power, the boundless forgiveness and the great promises of Christ's atonement to act as our reversible process. 

Mosiah 3:19 
For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.